Nothing stabs you in the heart harder, than when the knife is in your heart and back at the same time. Betrayal, is the worst feeling of all because the truth about betrayal, is that it always comes from someone that you either love, or trusted.
Coping with betrayal, and dealing with those feelings, can take some work and some effort. On the one hand, your mind constantly tries to work out what has happened and why. On the other hand, your stomach hurts, your heart hurts, and you feel slain. When you first discover betrayal, it can make no sense. Betrayal often comes out of the blue, and often stabs you like a thief in the night.
Why does betrayal hurt so much?
I think of all the things that I have been through in my life, aside from the death of my daughter (and even that, I felt betrayed that she wasn’t here), betrayal, has to be the worst feeling in the world. Simply because you TRUSTED that person. Often you also LOVED them. Betrayal hurts, because it isn’t something that you would do to them. it shows, loud and clear, just how little you meant to that person. Betrayal, hurts in the heart, and it also hurts by being stabbed In the back.
Betrayal hurts so much, because we have a sense in our mind about who someone is. We trust them, and confide in that person, tell them our innermost secrets, and trust that they will not betray that trust.
Betrayal hurts because it is
- Often unexpected
- Feels unfair and unjust
- Comes from someone that you trusted and probably held in high esteem
- Makes you realise that person felt less about you than you did about them
- Can shatter illusions and make you feel niave and stupid for not seeing what was happening before
- Can make you question your own judgement
- Can shake you for realising that your trust that was so naively given, was misplaced
- Makes you feel worthless and devalued
When you have been betrayed, the person that you held in high esteem, often on a pedestal, comes crashing down in front of you. You realise that the relationship that you did have, was only one sided, or that it was only you that held values. You try to reason, how this person could possibly treat you this way?
Your mind races, as your heart hurts so badly, you want to put it in a cupboard. In one sense, you do not want it to be true, but you cannot escape the reality for too long, as you come to terms with what is the truth, the illusion that you held of the person that has betrayed you, crumbles in front of you. As this happens, a part of you crumbles too.
Never let somebody else define who you are
This had happened to me recently. Not within a relationship, and it left me feeling devastated. My heart hurt so badly that i wanted to put it in a cupboard, to take the hurt and the pain away.
And then some wise person (thank you PR) said to me, ‘never let someone else take away your power, you are beautiful just the way that you are‘. or something like this…. I know that this sounds simplistic. But it is true.
Somebody else can only destroy you, if you allow them to. Stop giving someone else the importance of your life, that is not deserved. Nobody is more important than you are. This doesn’t mean that you have to be egotistical, or full of self importance.
What happens when you have been betrayed, is that you realise that you have trusted someone else with a part of you, that you could fulfill yourself. No other person is so immortal, that they complete a part of you. If someone is making you feel bad about YOU this is NOT a healthy relationship.
For those that believe in you, you will never have to prove who you are, for those that don’t no proof would ever be enough!
Letting it go, sounds easy. Particularly if you are in the midst of a ruining and smear campaign. This is the most hurtful feeling, as with a ruining and smear campaign, it is deliberately to hurt you, and to humiliate you. Even in this instance, you can stop giving your power to it.
It might be tempting to lash out, and to react back. It might make you feel better, for a very short time. Likely (if you have any feelings) you will feel bad about YOUR reactions the next day (and so the cycle continues). REMOVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY FROM THE SITUATION!
You are whatever you give out to the world, not what somebody does to you. What defines you, is who you really are. Betrayal can be caused by:
- Lying to you or about you
- Bearing false witness against you
- Falsely accusing you
- Gossiping about you
- Sharing private information that you have shared
No contact and the importance of the No Contact rule
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you will understand the no contact rule. If you are new, and haven’t read it. I won’t put the links here, but if you type in ‘no contact’ into the search bar on the top right hand side, you will find the articles about no contact.
No contact is important, what you are doing, is allowing yourself space to heal and recover. YES it might hurt like hell. You might be desperate for answers and to learn that this betrayal is not true. Or to understand ‘why’. The truth is, that the person who has betrayed you is not the person to ask ‘why’.
The question is, ‘why you allowed someone else so much power over you’…. nobody is more important than you are.
Learning to trust
Just as somebody else does not define you, it can only control you, and your life, if you allow it to. The most important point is to TRUST YOURSELF!!! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it is what YOU think that is important.
LET IT GO…..
Now this sounds easy huh? You might think, ‘how can I let it go? I am feeling devastated, none of this is making sense to me, I hurt like hell’….
The truth is the person who hurt you, cannot heal you, but you can heal yourself. We all can. If you struggle to heal yourself, if you find that you are going around in a self destructive circle – KEEP IT SMALL!!!, if you are really struggling, check in to start therapy, to work through your pain in a healthy way.
Keeping it small is really important. When you have been betrayed, what has happened, is swimming in your head, your heart, your stomach, you can feel literally slayed, and weak. It is time to bring back the focus to YOU.
Keeping it small is important. The mind is powerful and can play tricks. You can beat yourself up, blame yourself, hate yourself even (for trusting this person who hurt you) and even hate them. Keeping it small, you bring the focus back to you. Your world, is exactly how you create it to be.
It was a long time ago, that I was so traumatised, that literally I had no concept of tomorrow, it was just a white space. I think before this trauma, I would probably do my own head in (and this was without abusive relationships) worrying about tomorrow, next week, next month, there was always something to worry about.
Then my world stopped. My world stood still. I went through the most heartbreaking thing, that is probably humanly possible. How did I cope? I coped simply because my brain could ONLY focus on RIGHT NOW. This wasn’t a choice, it was what happened to my brain. But you know, it protected me. It made what i was experiencing easier to cope with.
Try not to worry about tomorrow, or next week or next month. Take back control of YOU, right NOW. Bring back the focus to you.
You cannot change what someone has done to you. But this is for them to deal with. Their karma will come. It might take a long time, you might never get to see it, you cannot be responsible for their actions – but you will always be responsible for your own.
Be the bigger person. Rise above it, nothing that somebody else has done, can possibly destroy you. You will AWAYS recover.
What is devastation today, will one day, just be a distant memory. Instead of focusing on what you CAN’T do, focus instead on what you CAN.
- What can you do to make you happier right now?
- What do YOU want to achieve?
- Where would YOU like to be?
If others have hurt you, and betrayed you, let them go…. sometime you have to let people go to allow people who are more right for you into your life. Just let them go. You do not need someone in your life who will hurt you, cause you pain, betray you.
By letting go…. you will grow…..
It is likely that this relationship was unhealthy for you, it was stopping your growth. Whoever, it was that has hurt you, who has betrayed you, THEIR BETRAYAL DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!!! THEIR BETRAYAL SAYS MORE ABOUT THEM – THAN IT DOES ABOUT YOU!!!
I have said that in capital letters, as I want to stress the point. Some people are all about themselves for whatever reasons. How you are feeling, is not really important. They are just thinking of their objectives.
If someone has stabbed you in the heart – and the back at the same time – realise that this defines THEM and NOT YOU.
You might try to reason how you deserve this, after all you would never do this to somebody? I know, I wouldn’t have either, I would have more respect for myself, to not have respect for someone else. Again, their actions are not a reflection of you, they are a reflection of who they are.
If they would do this to you, they are not worthy of you. this is true. they are not worthy of your time, your energy, your passions, everything about you, that is beautiful. IF that person has taken the life and the energy from you, zapped you, and made you question yourself… STOP….
Take a deep breath and get a pen and a piece of paper. Write 3 lists. I want you to write a list of
- All the things that you LIKE about you.
- Then write another list – All the things that you have to offer
- Then write another list – all the things that YOU want to achieve in life
You be elaborate, you put those ideas down and out there, and you believe in you.
Nobody can take away who you are. Unless you allow them to. Give your power back to you, stop giving your life force and your power to those who do not deserve it. Keep your world small while in healing and recovery. Stick to people you trust, people who love you for you, even if that is only one person.
I promise you, the pain that you feel in your heart, will not be forever. Someone once asked me how long does this take? How long does this healing process take? It hurts so much, and so badly?
The answer…. really…… as long as you want!!
Love yourself – you are worth it. Trust in yourself – believe in yourself – never let someone else define who you are. Unless that person is enhancing you – someone else is either part of the problem or part of the solution. If someone else is a problem, stick to no contact (as much as is possible) don’t give your energy away to anybody who will suck the life out of you, and stab you in the back.
Yes betrayal is painful. Especially when you trusted someone. It is the worst feeling in the world – but – you can move on from it quicker than you realise. IF you are prepared to let go, and allow yourself to grow.